There are a million little details about what we did during our time in upstate New York: the river swimming, cooking and flower picking. But they seem less relevant now than the lasting impact the time there had on my state of mind. There were bold, vivid, healing dreams at night, which bled seamlessly into the hundred synchronicities of my days. After being constantly surrounded by green life through floor to ceiling windows, I tripled the number of indoor plants in our home upon our return and am trying my hand at propagation. I'm slower, more open, taking in much less but allowing it to affect me much more. And the peace: I found there a continuing peace I've not known since the loss of my mother last year, and the time and space to give that loss the attention it needed (and will continue to need.)
I returned home with a long hanging haze lifted, with sharp eyes and a ready heart. It hasn't been easy to look back on the last year with these sharpened eyes, but the introspection I've needed is finally able to be had, along with the courage and vulnerability for honest sharing. I'm ready for the work ahead of me and to embrace the new woman who has emerged from loss.
only one name is on my mind as I write this post:
Phoenix
May you all find yours rising when you most need it!
images: taken on iPhone (oops, forgot my camera!) © Kristen Gregg
"...And god help you if you are a phoenix
ReplyDeleteAnd you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past..."
~ from '32 flavors' by the ever glorious ani di franco
such a great song. my friend, Kate, put this on a mix for me many, many years ago (love you, Kate), though I've not listened to it for some time. Perhaps I will today.
Deleteaw, sounds like a really great time. I felt the same, returning to the city after our recent week and a half in the country. i didn't expect it, though -- we are such a city-fied family.
ReplyDeletei grew up outside Phoenix and though i like the word and the sentiment, can't really vibe with it as a person's name.
My mother passed away a few weeks ago, and this has really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing Kristen, as this gives me a little hope in a time of much sorrow.
ReplyDeleteOh Bessie, so much love to you and your family. This is such a difficult time and will continue to be for a long while. Grief is powerful and can be used for transformation (even in the darkest hour this is happening to us), but during the first part we just do the best we can to get by and survive, and then to feel and cope with the immense pain, confusion, and change to our lives. There will be light, though it seems there won't ever be again, and may you be surrounded by support and comfort in this darkest of times when the possibility of light can't even be comprehended. My thoughts are with you.
DeleteKristen, I really appreciate how generous and open you are in this post. Sometimes I grow concerned that the blog community is so too focused on "liking" and buying when we can use it as a place to grow and share. I'm happy to hear that the cabin gave you the time and space that you needed to reflect. Looks like the perfect balance to all the inspiration you discovered in Brooklyn. So surprised to see that you visited all of my local haunts. We certainly could have past each other in the street! Be well.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alyce. I think about this a lot, too. I certainly most admire those who use their spaces for truth and growth, but admittedly I often shy away from the personal for fear of over sharing. I worry that with this particular blog, a lot of people come to read about names, so when I talk about myself it might seem self indulgent or it's simply just not want people want to read here. This said, sometimes I have stuff to share and a voice about things spanning beyond the more regular topics here. Grief has been a huge part of me since I started this blog (four months after my mom's death and about a year after my dad's) and absolutely the largest motivating factor behind my starting marginamia; blogging is one of the many ways I've used creating as a means of coping and unfolding into a new and unfamiliar life since loss. So I'll talk about my personal experiences more here. One reason for this is that keeping myself honest and exposed here keeps me there with myself, but another and larger for me is that grief, for example, is something all of us face but no one is really comfortable talking about (both their own and that of those around them), so it's important to share as much as we can, I think.
DeleteAnd... neat to think we might have passed one another on the street. I wondered that a lot there, if I might have encountered some of the people I know online but who I might not recognize in person. Sending love, Alyce, during this exciting time for you!